I haven’t written in a while.
I think the smidgen of perfectionism in me yearns for each post to have a purpose and meaning. I want it to make you laugh and think, connect and empathize. Laugh at the highs and lows of motherhood and family dynamics in general, think about the more important things in life, connect in a way where you know you’re not the only one (in whatever capacity that means for you), and empathize with the people who walk around every day happy yet struggling on the inside because of an invisible sickness.
The sickness that by the way if you needed a reminder people say isn’t even really a sickness. The — c’mon can’t you just get over it already / there’s people with real problems / work out / go outside / stop complaining / pray more / tough it out / aren’t you being a little selfish / omigaw seriously dude it’s not like you have cancer / get it together — and the list goes on…
Now if you are struggling mentally and refuse to get help, I can’t relate to you. I could at some point but I’ve covered that bridge and I’m on a new highway. Call me out and say what you will, but in my mind, if you have emotional or chemical imbalances and decline help, you’re not only hurting yourself, but you’re hurting others, too.
I don’t live in a vacuum, in an empty space that affects me and only me. Neither do you, or your siblings, or your friends. So I’ll go out on a limb and say if you’re not willing to get help, perhaps you can actually take one of the hurtful statements above to heart; maybe you are being a little selfish.
That was a side rant. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but if I had to take a guess it’s probably because I’m working my butt off right now. As a team, my psych and therapist and I are going through a lot of digging and talking and learning so I can be healthier. And it is EXHAUSTING. But you know what? It’s important. Because golly gee I’m not cribbin’ it in some Dyson or Hoover. I have a family. I have people. Even if I feel alone, and even when I actually want to be alone, the truth is I’m not.
Therefore, I gotta work to be healthy for myself and the people around me.
Why are we currently working harder than normal? (Oh the word “normal” and all that it brings…)
1) I’m on meds – and I believe that for the most part if you’re on some type of behavioral meds you should be seeing someone at least every couple of months.
2) As I shared in my last post, I resigned from my teaching job. Instead of going back next year, I’ll be home taking care of the twintastics.
Notice I didn’t say I’ll be home raising the twins. I specifically opted out of that verb because I’m aware that working moms raise their kids as well. No reason to start a working mother vs. stay at home mother rant because a mother is a mother and a good one works hard regardless of the location, inside or outside the home. So yes, ladies, let’s Lean In and uphold equality but let’s also not be the first to throw stones and judge one another.
That all sounds good, right? Except for the fact that I’m judging myself, already feeling less competent, professional and important.
My mind tells me that it’s ludicrous. What is more important than keeping infants alive? Spending all day with children in their formative years, building their character? I mean, that is a pretty cool job. And I believe one day it will feel rewarding. But right now, there’s no doubt that I don’t feel as validated or rewarded as I did when I was in the classroom, which makes the resignation all the more frightening.
My first time in the anxiety program unearthed the fact that I find my worth and self-esteem in my job (or any type of progress and achievements), and I’m so thankful I started working through it then or I would be in a lot of trouble now. You don’t see much progress in the day-to-day of spit up and dirty diapers TIMES TWO.
So here I am, for the first time in my life (at least since preschool) I’m not headed back to school this fall. And I know it’s far away, but it scares me. Don’t worry, I’m going to enjoy the heck out of this spring and summer – warm weather cometh! Bring on the heat! But, we’re doing a little more work now to give the “fall” (in both aspects of the word) a little more cushion.
Speaking of cushion, my butt has been sitting on this one far too long because this post is too long and I’ll be surprised if anyone makes it to this point. If you did, congrats! Go eat some leftover Easter candy.
Apparently “I haven’t written in a while” comes with a lot of random, verbal vomit.
My original point – I want to write inspiring things; I want to be a voice you enjoy listening to, and because of that, sometimes I don’t write. I mean, it’s not like I have an invigorating story ready to burst each week from the Crazymaddeningworld. I don’t write because I don’t think it will be good enough or to a high enough standard (which I just spoke in an English accent, Downton Abbey style).
And I’m coming full circle to say that’s just crap; the idea of perfect words and stories, the thought that I’m subconsciously seeking acceptance through this blogging outlet? Appalling. I can’t control the thoughts, but I can bid them farewell when they arise.
Crazymaddeningworld started as a therapy assignment and it’s evolving, just like me. I fear that not working in a classroom next year will make me less useful to you and the rest of the world. And that there will be nothing left to say, no stories to tell.
Bahahahahaha. Who am I kidding? Once a talker, always a talker! So I’ll be back, sooner rather than later, if I can just get over the fact that I should be able to post whatever the heck I want whenever I want and who the heck cares who reads it.
If y’all don’t judge me, I’ll try not to judge myself.
I’ll end with words from the best Author of all.
Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Let’s not forget to be kind to ourselves, too.
Until next time,